Yesterday went to Aunty Annie hse to fetch my rascal as usual & saw a woman going to her hse when I was leaving. Did not bother much thinking is her neighbour. Shortly when I reach home Aunty Annie called me and tell me she have been taking care of a bb girl since beg of Oct. Saying the woman I saw just now is the bb girl's mother. Continued asking do I mind & explained why she did not tell me earlier dued to she was not too sure as will she be taking care of the bb girl for long as the woman was going to start looking for job only. Well ... I just replied I don't mind and why she don't tell me as there's nothing to hide & sooner or later I will know also .....
Everything start to flash thru my mind, from when I first got the positive sign on my test kit, my pregnancy period as how well rascal treated me with no morning sickness, a blessed peaceful 9mths journey. Imagine the day I given birth to him and he was handled to Aunty Annie's care when he was barely 2mths old till now 25mths. Times really files like a shooting star to me whenever I see Tennyson.
Well ... I find myself in a mixed feeling right now. Reality I say I don't mind she handling 2 but in my expectation the reason why I have been hanging on to the idea of childcare is I prefer a 1-to-1 attention. The angel side of me having been telling me is good as he got a companion now so he will not be boring alone most of the time but the evil part of me is warning me hey yr rascal might not have the same full attention from now on, he might even been neglected.
I will start pondering am I a good mother? I bought him to this world but cannot provide him with the most of my attention & love. Only compensation is toys & nothing else. My work have been increasing with added responsibility & hence more busy now. I need to con't to work from home after work & most of the time rascal is playing on his own. Neglection, neglection & more neglection. Am I a failure mother? I can't help having this feeling and feel guilty towards him.
I will even hug him and cry sliently & he will look at me with his innocent big eyes. Tears roll down my cheek and he will pat pat my shoulder & say "sayang sayang". Isn't him cute? Can't help feeling very glad with God giving me Tennyson as the best gift on earth. He is the best present I got in my life which is priceless.
Today seems too long-winded as I seldom like to pen down my feelings. haha. That's me a woman who think too much sometimes but I be fine after awhile.
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